my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
