The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize