So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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