My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Two words: nipple clamps
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