I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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