what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
