Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
