Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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