You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
