true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So apparently I’m into choking now
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