I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
