If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
