He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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