so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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