I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
