I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
