If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
