seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
