My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
