I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
