I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
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Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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