PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
