She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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