oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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