mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
