I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
