she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
