there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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