names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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