farters have to be the big spoon...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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