No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
