I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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