So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
handjob tips. give me some.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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