ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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