Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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