i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
