I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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