did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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