help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
