Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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