As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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