i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
