I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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