seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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