I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
