i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
