His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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