Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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