She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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