I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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