My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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