Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
