Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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