i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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