I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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