I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
