Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
