Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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