Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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