This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
