Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
