i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
